I must admit, I didn’t see this one coming. Not at all. I feel like a drunk guy who talked to a woman and obtained her phone number, only to realize the next day that she looked more like Marion Berry than Halle Berry.

I never thought a guy could have this stat line:

2/17, 23 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT, 15.1 passer rating…

and actually win the game. I felt like somebody was playing some weird trick on me and decided to go all Criss Angel and make things look like other things.

This was actually a football game. With the MLB Playoffs currently going on, I felt like I was watching Manny Ramirez instead of Trent Edwards. Seriously, what is this garbage?

On a Sunday that featured everything a football fan could ask for, and maybe ask not to see, the fan in me wanted to see an entertaining 1 p.m. game after being less than intrigued by a Giants-Chiefs matchup that had little chance of being competitive.

The best part of that game was that Eli Manning was still throwing good, catch-able balls despite an apparent heel injury—like the back of a woman’s stiletto suddenly breaking in two.

I got what I asked for in the Cowboys-Chiefs game, which should’ve been an easy win for Dallas. But what’s easy for them nowadays?

Denver was supposed to be easy for them too, but, well, we know how that one ended.

If the Cowboys had lost to Kansas City, I could see Jerry Jones making the whole team, including Wade Phillips, watch Matt Cassel’s TD pass to Dwayne Bowe late in the fourth quarter on new Texas Stadium’s ridiculous video screen over and over until they keeled over.

Thanks to Miles Austin, the city of Austin and the rest of Texas can wipe the sweat from its foreheads.

What were the five best performances in Week Five? I can assure you that the Titans aren’t one of them.

 

5. Bengals Stun Ravens, 17-14, Improve to 4-1

“Hard Knocks” is finally seeming to validate it’s inclusion on television. Cincinnati is 4-1, and really should be 5-0 after the much heralded luck of the draw for Denver in the form of a Brandon Stokley score.

Carson Palmer is looking like the Carson before knee surgery, Chad Johnson (I refuse to call him that other name) is playing well, and Cedric Benson isn’t a bust after all.

If Palmer can limit his turnovers and the defense continues to play well, the Bengals will be a surprise playoff team.

 

4. Miles Austin Goes for 250 Yards in Cowboys Win Over Chiefs

Dallas up-ending the Chiefs by an overtime touchdown isn’t impressive at all. The guy who caught that TD is.

Austin, who hasn’t been a big factor in Dallas’ offense, decided he wanted to come out and play Sunday.

Everyone has blamed the Cowboys inadequacies on Tony Romo, but he and Austin showed Sunday what they’re capable of. Dallas is far from a good team right now, but Austin isn’t nearly as far from being a really good receiver.

 

3. Jake Delhomme Leads Carolina to First Win This Season

After Steve Smith lambasted Delhomme to his face a few weeks back in a clip played on YouTube has since been removed, Delhomme has had an about-face and has turned it around.

Delhomme has thrown four picks in the last three weeks, compared to nine in two games dating back to the 2008 playoffs.

Carolina finally looked like a team Sunday after defeating the Redskins 20-17. The Redskins are bad too, so that doesn’t tell us much.

Delhomme playing much better and not beating himself does.

 

2. Falcons Blowout Niners, 45-10

That headline speaks for itself. All the talk about Mike Singletary and the job he’s doing was silenced by Matt Ryan and a potent offensive attack.

Roddy White decided to be the Pro-Bowl receiver he was last season, and the rest was history.

The Falcons are a force to be reckoned with, and Singletary’s 49ers are dizzy and still spinning after that whippin’. We’ll see how they respond next week.

 

1. Josh McDaniels and the Broncos Down Former Boss, Patriots 20-17

This was absolutely, hands-down the best game this week and completely lived up to the hype.

If anyone—and I do mean anyone—lies and says they expected this from Denver, they should stop watching sports and cover their growing nose right now.

The Broncos are easily the most polarizing story so far in 2009, and with the way they matched Belichick’s Patriots will-for-will, play-for-play on Sunday, they may be the biggest surprise playoff team in recent memory. 

Kyle Orton is playing the best football of his career. Brandon Marshall is just ridiculous. What a beast. I’m thoroughly impressed.

 

Week Five’s Worst

 

5. Tom Brady’s Mishaps

Yes, I said it. Tom Brady screwed up on Sunday, not once, but twice.

I’m not used to Brady screwing up. I cannot and will not take anything away from Brady, and he is the second best QB of the millennium. I like the guy, and love watching him play.

But he missed Randy Moss and Wes Welker badly. Not on first-down receptions, but TDs. And I do mean sure-fire TD’s. Needless to say, Brady isn’t quite himself.

As Rocky Balboa’s trainer said on Rocky IV about Ivan Drago, “He’s Not A Machine!!! He’s A Man!!!”

So is Tom Brady.

 

4. The Buccaneers Pass Defense

Isn’t this the team that made the “Tampa Two” defense popular? What has happened to these guys?

Age and rebuilding has happened. Tampa Bay has some talented defenders, but they are not a cohesive unit and don’t play well together.

Romo blasted them, Trent Frickin’ Edwards killed them, Eli Manning did them dirty, they lost to the Redskins, and Donovan McNabb came back and played Madden with their defense.

Wow.

 

3. The Buffalo Bills and Cleveland Browns

I just have to mention this again. If this isn’t the worst football game I’ve ever watched, then Brett Favre isn’t a first ballot hall-of-famer. In other words, there’s no debate there.

Everybody and everything associated with this game was bad. Everything. Jamal Lewis ran well, but that just means the Bills defense couldn’t tackle him.

And the penalties? There were more penalties than points! Combined!

 

2. Jaguars Lose to the Seahawks, 41-0

What a way to follow up a big win: get shut out by six possessions.

Jacksonville didn’t do anything well in this game. Nothing at all. They weren’t even there. Didn’t show up. Left all 53 players at home in Florida.

There is no excuse for losing a game in this fashion as an NFL team. Nothing you could tell the fans to make them understand this. No disrespect to Matt Hasselbeck who’s a good QB, but this wasn’t even Manning-Wayne, Brady-Moss, or Favre-Peterson.

It was Hasselbeck-Burleson. As a teenager would say in a text message, “LMAO!”

 

1. ‘Dre Bly’s Celebration

This was despicable. Mike Singletary has made a name as a disciplinarian after what he did to TE Vernon Davis last season. If there was ever a time he needed to discipline anyone, this is it.

After intercepting Falcons QB Matt Ryan, Bly was heading down the sideline trying to score for his team, which was getting their arses handed to them on a platter.

He inexplicably began to showboat as if he were Neon Deion Sanders, and was stripped of the ball from behind by the trailing Roddy White.

Atlanta recovered the fumble, and went down to score again, making the score 42-10. You celebrate a pick like you’re some great corner. But your dropped pick let Brett Favre and Minnesota beat you two weeks ago, and you’re losing 35-10 this week?

As Singletary once said, “Can’t play with ’em. Can’t win with ’em. Can’t do it.”

Can’t win with a defender making those types of asinine plays. Bly better humble up fast, cause Singletary won’t have that type of behavior, and neither will the 49ers win column if they want to increase it.

Until next week everyone, enjoy the MLB playoffs. That Alex Rodriguez is somethin’, ain’t he?

 

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