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Fleet Enema Presents … NFL Week 4, You Crap The Bed!
Published: October 4, 2009
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This week on You Crap, we’re very pleased to announce our first commercial sponsorship. This week, we’re brought to you by Fleet Enemas, for when you want to void over 10 percent of your body weight in less than three hours. It’s fast, it’s easy, it’s Fleet!
The goal of the game is to let you try to out-think people who are actually paid to make NFL decisions.
Remember, all of these scenarios are taken from actual game time decisions, made by actual NFL coaches. Now, let’s all play… You Crap The Bed!
1) You are Denver coach Josh McDaniels. It’s the third quarter, and you are down 10-7 at home to the Cowboys, with a 4th-and-1 from the Cowboy 31.
You’ve just sent rookie running back Knowshon Moreno into the line on third down and a half yard to go, only to see him lose a half yard. Do you:
a) Send out kicker Matt Prater to try a 48-yard field goal in altitude under clear weather conditions, which is to say, a kick that he really should make if he’s going to be employed to kick in Denver.
b) Go for it on fourth, maybe with “Greatest Winner In Franchise History” QB Kyle Orton on the move.
c) Punt and try to pin the Cowboys deep, since they haven’t really been able to move it all game, and your defense has a mess of sacks.
d) Go for it and try any other play than the exact same thing that you did on third down (perhaps with fresh back and short yardage specialist Lamont Jordan).
e) Go for it and try the exact same play that you did on third down, with an obviously gassed Moreno.
If you chose (e)… you crap the bed! And you win a de facto turnover, a loss in field position, and perhaps three critical points in a game where a single play could decide it. Well done…but as we shall see from contestant number three, not good enough.
2) You are Kansas City coach Todd Haley, and it’s 7-0 Giants in the first quarter after a fumbled opening kickoff and touchdown. Upon receiving the ball again, you choose to:
a) Run the ball from a standard power formation with running back Larry Johnson, in an attempt to establish the ground game and try to give confidence to your offensive line.
b) Throw the ball short to get QB Matt Cassell off to a good start, since he might not be feeling too confident himself after last week’s blowout in Philadelphia.
c) Throw the ball long to star WR Dwayne Bowe, who you will need for any chance at an explosive offense today.
d) Try an exciting gadget play, maybe a flea flicker or reverse, to show the Giants that they will have to guard the whole field.
e) Run the wildcat direct snap to Johnson (no, really), who is absolutely no threat to throw the ball, so that the Giants defense knows to not just roll up the coverage, but also to not bother to play anyone more than five yards off the line of scrimmage.
If you chose (e), watched it go for short yardage, then DID IT AGAIN to make sure that your first series sets up your team for a difficult third-down conversion and near immediate three-and-out…you crap the bed!
And you win an early hole, a team that has to know that you have no confidence in their talents, a befuddled and enraged home crowd that will boo you in the first quarter, and the continued conclusion that you should be coaching a high school team. Perhaps JV. Congratulations!
3) You are Cowboys coach Wade Philips. You are down 17-10 with a 4th-and-goal from the Broncos three yard line. You have no timeouts, and there’s five seconds left in the game.
On third down, QB Tony Romo’s attempted pass to WR Sam Hurd was stopped by Broncos star CB Champ Bailey, who made a fantastic deflection to save a touchdown, and is widely regarded as, when healthy, one of the top CBs in the NFL. Do you:
a) Run it with fresh running back Tashard Choice, who has been your best back from scrimmage today and could enjoy a considerable advantage of surprise on a draw.
b) Run it with team leader running back Marion Barber, who has a history of big fourth quarter plays, and has your only touchdown today on a play where he exerted his will over several Bronco defenders at the goal line.
c) Throw it to TE Jason Witten, who is your most reliable short yardage target.
d) Roll out QB Romo, who for all of his ball control faults, does have a knack for making plays on the run.
e) Try the exact same play to Hurd against Bailey, because the first 15 times you’ve thrown against him have gone so well, and he’s clearly too old to stop No. 16.
If you chose (e)…you crap the bed! And you’ve won yourself last place in the hyper-competitve NFC East, the continued national worship of Kyle Orton, the best Bronco QB ever because he’s never lost, and the chance to make sure that your annual December collapse just means that you’ll get an even better first round draft pick for Owner/ SuperGenius Jerry Jones to blow. Stupendous!
Well, that’s all we have time for this week. But remember, with a little fiber, determination, and poise (or the use of a Fleet Enema!) you too can…Crap The Bed! Good night, everybody!
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