• Arizona Cardinals: They managed to pick up LaRod Stephens-Howling in round seven, and they got an athlete who can immediately compete with Maurice Jones-Drew for best hyphenated name in league. The Raiders pick of Darrius Heyward-Bey at number seven was too high for such an untested hyphen.
  H For Hyphenation Domination

• Atlanta Falcons: They went defense heavy in their draft picks, 7 of 8 of them were defensive players, which is good because this team runs a defensive formation quite a bit. They love it so much they use a defensive formation every time the other team comes out on offense. Good choices for that scheme.
  D For Defense Is Half The Battle, G.I. Joe!

• Baltimore Ravens: Traded four picks to the New England Patriots in exchange for 3 of theirs. They gave them a first and a fifth for the Pats first round pick and a fourth and a sixth for two fifth rounders. Even though it was less picks overall, and they only gained a few spots of positioning in that first round, they got three New England Patriots picks! And everyone knows those are always the best ones.
  I For It Must Be The Picks

• Buffalo Bills: A very disappointing bunch of players selected by the Bills. Yes, they are all very talented individuals who scouts agree have a lot of upside. But they are now all going to play for the Buffalo Bills, and we know how that usually turns out.
  A For Any Bills Draft Class Is A Bad Draft Class

• Carolina Panthers: The Panthers got a Corvey Irvin from Georgia in the third round, but I don’t think he’s going to be able to fit well into their system. They are panthers, fierce jungle cats, and he is a Georgia Bulldog. Dogs and cats do not mesh well together in a defensive backfield, everybody knows that. They also got a seminole indian, a gamecock, and an anthropomorphic orange. I don’t see any chemistry between these mascots whatsoever.
  C For Cats And Dogs, Living Together, Mass Hysteria!

• Chicago Bears: Their draft has to be termed a success, because they avoided any of the mistakes they have made in past drafts, mainly they didn’t take anyone named Rex Grossman. They might finally be ready to turn this thing around.
  G For Goodbye Grossman

• Cincinnati Bengals: Cincinnati drafted extremely well, and went after just the positions they are weakest at…Which is, of course, all of them.
  N For Not On Our Team Means Better Than Anyone Actually On Our Team

• Cleveland Browns: The Browns traded down three seperate times in the draft for lower picks. If I had been responsible for their previous draft day decisions, I would be a little antsy about actually making a pick too.
  P For Picking Scares Me

• Dallas Cowboys: They got an insane twelve picks this year, and used them to fill up a lot of holes on both sides of the ball. They got some new linebackers and defensive ends to use in their 3-4 scheme, and they even picked up a kicker in the fifth round who will help them transition to their innovative new 3-4-1 scheme with a kicker thrown in the backfield just in case something needs to be kicked immediately.
  O For Offenses Better Start Wearing A Cup

• Denver Broncos: Well, they lost their quarterback in the offseason to Chicago, so naturally they will use one of their first picks to get a new one…RB, LB, CB, FS…still looking…TE, WR…Oh! There is is, in the 6th round they picked up someone called Tom Brandstater. I’m sure that will work wonderfully.
  B For Brandstater To The Rescue

• Detroit Lions: They got a great pick in Matthew Stafford and for the first time in many years, draft experts had positive things to say about their selections. All they had to do to finally accomplish this was lose all 16 games last year. If they can just do that for another 4-5 seasons, they might finally put together a team that doesn’t lose by 30 points every Thanksgiving.
  P For Please Give Us A New Turkey Day Team

• Green Bay Packers: B.J. Raji, their first round selection, was reported to have failed a drug test at the combine. It was apparently untrue, but the Packers had already made their decision. They want this player who can hopefully finally make their team somewhat cool after having an old white dude who sells blue jeans as the face of their franchise for 17 years.
  J For Jeans Just Aren’t Very Cool

• Houston Texans: They picked up a tight end in the fourth round and then took another tight end less than thirty picks later in the fifth round. Sometimes you just have to give up and call a player a bust before you even get to the next round. Sorry Anthony Hill, it’s time to go in a new direction this round.
  T For Tight End City, Texas

• Indianapolis Colts: You don’t even need to really look at the names on the Indianapolis Colts draft board. Whoever they are, it seems they always turn out good.

Who Cares How We Drafted, We’re The Colts

• Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags picked up nearly 1200 pounds of man in the first three rounds. That’s even more than Denver, and they had five selections just in the first and second. Their plan is obviously to destroy the food reserves of any city they visit by eating everything in sight.
  H For Hide The Food

• Kansas City Chiefs: They got a good punter in Ryan Succop in the seventh who can challenge starter Dustin Colquitt for the job. Everyone always loves a preseason open punting competition, and punting will be the only way the Chiefs will be getting the ball down the field this season with the roster they have, so this job is the most important.
  P For Punts Are What It’s All About

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