Just a few weeks from his next suspension-inducing bit of criminal activity, Brandon Marshall has issued a statement to NFL teams that he desperately wants to not play for someone other than the Denver Broncos.

In his statement, Marshall announced he is offering an astonishing 100 percent some-of-your-money-back guarantee and a solemn oath to embarrass the bejeezes out of any team who is looking for a talented wide receiver who will play at least five games per season. 

Here is an excerpt from his statement: 

“I just want you all to know [stumbles, hurts old person], that I will do whatever I can [pauses, teeters] to help your team [vomits, checks pocket for car keys], but I do have other responsibilities.”  Marshall failed to elaborate on what those responsibilities might be. 

A reporter familiar with the star wideout speculated that Marshall either meant helping needy children at the Darrent Williams Teen Center or helping children off a rapidly spinning merry-go-round with a motorized vehicle of his choosing. 

In order to further spread this exciting news to NFL execs and fans alike, Marshall announced he has signed an advertising deal and will be pictured on the box-front of the popular breakfast cereal, Won’ties. 

Marshall concluded his statement by saying his ideal situation would be with a team who will likely be switching coaches after the 2009 season and whose quarterback is a “self-focused brat.” This, he said, would increase the amount of time he can spend with his new fiance who Marshall himself recently diagnosed with the dreaded “Inexplicable Morning Bruises” disease.

As he left the podium, Marshall sweetly hummed the melody of “Rocky Mountain High,” giggling after each use of the word “high,” which seemed to be the only word of the song he knew.

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